TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it might include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're conversing Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for ancient society, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It will be huge. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed within the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Many of the best. But now, we're developing them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a very falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of area. Built by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour till the drone flies")




  • Along with a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Of course, certain, let us have One more location where American Adult men can dress in robes and call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this the most audacious peace try since Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations unsuccessful under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: give Every person a set on the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


According to documents revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly tender power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower in a very war zone. It truly is that he must quit using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regards to the task, replied, "You realize, person, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent individuals. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "long term proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping kinds an enormous Trump head obvious from space, a feature currently being promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents plus the chin is… nicely, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits after locating the making's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not simply unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Bewildering Features


Perhaps the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium exactly where visitors might ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with local climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Area Syrians are Trump Tower Damascus Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing and advertising Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They're going to Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked by means of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is For good."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll performed within a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% said "in which's the closest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is presently attracting awareness from Intercontinental traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree can even include things like:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to determine a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel the place my PTSD can have switch-down company."


One more write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reviews counsel:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has presented to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Thoughts from your Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It wanted gold. It needed a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You happen to be welcome."

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